What can I do to show you that i won’t?

To tell you that I don’t want to

To take you away from me

To stop dragging about your feet

as a child pouting so much over nothing

To stop harassing and haranguing on over the lost cause

Our love has not blossomed anymore

You have cut me out

You have shut me down

You are not a part of my world and I am not in yours

Yet you return like a dog to its pen

It is over and done with, goodbye

I can’t shed any more tears

You won’t get under my skin

Let me go, so long

Don’t write me letters in capital font on my phone

Fare thee well, adios, adieu, Ciao for a while now

Good bye; I can’t have you entering into my life

You have left mine so abruptly

I won’t be letting you dump in like a wind

Sailing this sea of adversity and strife

I won’t play the fool twice

So long, goodbye

You won’t speak the words for me

And I can’t respond the same for you

You are not within me and I not in your heart

Someday won’t come, so stick to the fact there is no resolution

Fare your well with mine, goodbye

(c) 2017. No Shrinking Violet. All Rights Reserved.

 

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Why do you put yourself so forward on the line

so much of you to be the face, the voice so vocal all the time

You insert yourself freely into every conversation

You forget how to close your mouth, when it is not your turn

You want to make yourself the center of the universe

it hurts all about you when the worst thing is the pain

You want to push and shove and put yourself above

It is not fair to falter all others then call yourself perfect

You are nothing but a hypocrite and you wing the other persons

It is disgusting digestion when you chew and swallow words

To distort and destroy with your lashing, vicious tongue

Hoping to grasp and grapple with things you cannot hold

In the palm of your hand

You don’t understand the end of the day’s ramblings

Except for what you can get from them

(c) 2017. No Shrinking Violet. All Rights Reserved.

 

rosytree

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

~The Beatles, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Seeing the world through Rose colored glasses. ~Anonymous

My glasses are a conversation piece. Children and adults notice them and think they’re fascinating. Often I’m asked two things: Do I see the world through rose-colored glasses? Does it help me with my chronic migraines and photosensitive epilepsy? In case you are wondering, I don’t see things in pink. For someone else, my glasses turn everything rosy.  I see things as others do-to an extent. Call it color blindness. My brain sees color-and patterns more vividly. Since my diagnosis of epilepsy in 2003, the glasses became part of my world. They were added to help reduce the tension from stripes, polka dots, swirls, and my biggest issue, red and blue side by side. When I mention how the colors red and blue bother me, I get a puzzled expression. How can two primary colors be a problem? My brain sees red and blue always at war with each other. I can’t focus on them both; I have to mute one or the other so they won’t clash.  My neurologist suggested that I get the lenses in my glasses tinted. It would help me focus better. When I went to my ophthalmologist, he recommended the best hue. He pulled out an assortment of lenses in varying hues-greens, blues, yellows, and reds. I described my problems to him. I told him what my neurologist suggested. She had no idea which color worked best and said to consult the eye doctor about it.

“I recommend a red tint,” he told me. “Why red but not blue?” I asked.  He explained, “Blue increases the number of migraines and you won’t find relief.  Blue is fine-if you need sunglasses.   Yellow hues like amber and honey tones won’t work for you, either.  High definition televisions add a fourth color that differs from the standard color televisions. Old TVs have red, blue and green. High definition televisions add yellow for more clarity and precision. Yellow tinted glasses are awful if you want to avoid life in high-definition. A red tone will reduce the tension  to make things softer and easier on your eyes. That is what you need.”  I didn’t want my life enhanced by yellow tinted glasses. I had enough color augmentations by my brain. It is part of my epilepsy and migraines. I have synesthesia where my brain takes colors, separates it to various tones and shades, and frequently adds scents and/or musical sounds to them. It sounds odd placing it on paper; however, this is my “normal.” There’s never a day when my brain shuts it off. It’s tuned in every moment of my life.

When I picked out my frames, I had to endure the test of finding the best tint. It was a bit painful. My mom had to put a red and blue piece of paper side by side until I was able to handle that pairing. I found my tint (desert rose) after ten tries. I love that tint a lot! It eases the problem that comes with my migraines and epilepsy. Mornings go a bit smoother when I put on my tinted glasses. It is not a guarantee that my day is hassle free, but it takes a big issue out of my way.

*For further information about tinted glasses and the effects of it on the brain, please visit the Irlen Institute’s website, https://www.irlen.com or see their Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/IrlenInstitute. I hope it provides some help to anyone who has a migraine, epilepsy, or for those who are curious as to the purpose of tinted glasses. If you have any further questions or inquiries for me, please email at plasmnetic@gmail.com.  I won’t know all the answers, but I will do my best.

What type of seizure shall come today?Only forty types from which to choose;

Droot, perhaps, or Petit Mal?

No; maybe an absence or frontal lobe?

There’s always complex partial and Photo sensitive epilepsy,

A touch of status epilepticus or  nocturnal in the mix

Plenty more to choose from, a scoop of disorder

To tune my attention towards

not sure whether I am going there

I head out unsure and getting my head together, not quite prepared for the outcome

I look up and pray only to face the difficulties

With hope and promise.

I can’t shut it off; it follows me about like a hound

Highlighting what’s going on in my mind

To a strange, stronger light

In technicolor

Quirky-working in its own odd way

Technique of brushstrokes flourished

with a new shade here, a new tint there

What a photographic lense

I can’t still it long enough

The senses loaded up on this air of twinkling sound

Brushing a newer stroke of light

To fall upon my eyes

I want to take it out sometimes when it grows so heavy on me

Yet i can’t cause I got it in my blood

For it fortifies the nutrients of creativity in me

My brain is a question mark

It has a labyrinth of mazes

I can’t tell you where I stop and start

Neurons mixed up in between connectivity

It is jumbled up cable cords

Technical difficulties

Won’t you please stand by?

I shall return after a break from the maze of thoughts

Categorical storms descending and not sure where I am

So hold my hand in the messiness and stay close to me

I will come back, stronger than the last one

Picture 6

“Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and be unsurpised by anything else.”~Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Last night, I rolled over in my sleep contemplating these two terms: independence and in dependence. Often, our culture intermingles the words. Independence is freedom from something or someone. Independence is no longer being in bondage or enslaved to something or someone. In dependence is another word altogether. It references a need or tendency to rely on someone/something outside of self.  In the world of disabilities, I consider this term often. Early in my diagnosis, epilepsy seemed a term I was in dependence on. I was in  dependence on it to get disability services, to have access towards medical treatment, and of course, any possibility of getting government funding. Government funding did not pan out, though. My disability is not considered disabling enough. In the disability funding sense, I was not at over 100 seizures a day, using a medical treatment not covered by the insurance, or getting some major medical procedure (ie, a vagus nerve stimulant implanted in my chest to control the number of seizures I have in a day, an implant in my brain, or brain surgery). As I have grown in my advocacy, I realized it hurt more than helped to depend so much on that term. It defined me rather than letting myself define it. I had to change my perspective-my tactics. If I wanted to find independence, I had to shed the preconceived notions of what it means to have a disability. I had to remove the trappings and false thinking attached to epilepsy. I needed to redefine it-educate others about it. Though I am in dependence on others for things- transportation and a space to live, I found independence once I learned to overcome the obstacle fear entranced on me. I had to gain a voice and speak up about epilepsy. Now, I know it is okay to be in dependence for the essentials; nevertheless I have independence in the middle of my hardships. What are you independent from? What are you in dependence on? Consider carefully what you choose to be in dependence on- it may affect your life.

 

(c)2017. No Shrinking Violet. All Rights Reserved.

What more can I write that has not already been said?
My mind goes over the same phrases in my head
It is a conundrum, the way words trip over them
I cannot help but think I am most trudging in a circle
Oh crass and crazy but true
I am a nonchalant melancholic brain

Wondering in a circle with thoughts in a swirling sweep

weeping and hoping to waken refreshed again

(c) 2017. No Shrinking Violet. All Rights Reserved.

imagesCAIE4V01

Purpleologist- one who who studies purple; lover of all things purple. Advocate, speaker of epilepsy awareness.

To speak or not to speak, that is the question

to tell of what bothers me, or to hold my tongue fast

to share the heart of the matter or to not squelch on it

to dare flitter things on the page or keep quiet the fluttering mind

How the brain filters and filters and filters.

It does not want to do and yet does want to share this heart of pain

That yearns to come and open its wounds

Vulnerability accessible; more or less but wanting to shut it off

But is it worth the hassle? Is it worth the time?

I ask myself often, and I debate it in my head

To speak or not to speak-that is indeed the question

To choose for my livelihood and advocacy is the way for me

(c)2017. No Shrinking Violet. All Rights Reserved.